I Was Going to Write a Long Post But Instead I Wrote a Haiku About Whales
Majestic sea lords
Keep it tasteful and classy
During house parties
Unlike dolphins.
Seriously, dolphins, get your act together.
Why Everything is Awesome (Also, I’m Back)
Everything is awesome. This came to be approximately two weeks, three days, and five hours ago.
Sure, we’ve already invented lazertag and trampolines and kittens, but not until two weeks, three days, and five hours ago was everything awesome. Because only two weeks, three days, and five hours ago was I accepted into New York University.
I looked a little like this at the time:
And now I’m riding on a tidal wave of optimism where everything is magic.
It’s like being transported to a fantasy land where all news is good news. Any news at all.
Consequentially I’ve been having the best week ever. It’s looked a little like this:
I’m like Christina Aguilera, guys. Words can’t bring me down.
In other news, I’m back, with stories to tell! Updates soon eventually!
Discovery Zone and Other Realistic Life Goals
“Have a seat, Kelly,” said every adult I know. “We need to talk about your college plans. Frankly, we’re not sure they’re realistic.”
Outraged, I clambered off my dinosaur and confronted the adults. “What do you mean, ‘not realistic’?” I demanded. “I’m always realistic! I am the… the realest of the real!”
My dinosaur roared its agreement.
“Yes, but what exactly do you plan to do with an English Degree?” the adults inquired soothingly.
I had to admit, they had a point. If I continued on this path, I’d probably end up either a) impoverished, b) an English teacher, or c) a cat-owner.
Something needed to change.
Fortunately I’ve always known the secret to becoming incredibly wealthy: Opening a Discovery Zone for adults.
If you’re a 90’s child you are, of course, morally obligated to remember Discovery Zone; it was that giant place filled with slides and tunnels and plastic ball pits and lazertag and candy. And it was magical.
And the first person to open an even larger Discovery Zone, built specifically for adults, will become a billionaire.
I imagine corporate managers relieving stress on giant plastic slides, the wind rippling through their well maintained wool suits.
I envision important meetings being concluded with a battle in the ball pit.
It’d be fantastic, really.
Take that, mature adulthood!
Why High School Would Better If It Were Taught By Bears
Bears are well-versed in English Literature.
Bears understand the importance of Physical Education.
Bears treat every day like Casual Friday.
Bears do not stand for wussy punishments like detentions. Bears prefer to nip delinquency in the bud.
Some Well-Labeled Confusion
I’m a little confused. There are roughly two parts to my confusion. I will label them Part A and Part B. Because I’m organized like that.
Part A: People leave letters out of words when typing. U no, typin lyk ths. This in itself doesn’t confuse me much. I realize people are trying to save time by shortening their words. What, exactly, they do with these precious saved seconds is a mystery, but I’m sure it’s very valuable. They’re probably volunteering at local soup kitchens.
Part B: People add extra letters onto their words when typing. Youuu knowwww, typinngg likeee thiiisss. This doesn’t really confuse me, either. Sometimes it’s fun to hold down keys. Wheeeeeeeee! See? That was fun.
My real confusion occurs when Confusion Part A and Confusion Part B overlap. When people leave out critical letters and add unecessary ones. Lykkkk thssss. What on earthdo they hope to accomplish by writing that way? They aren’t saving any time (as detailed in Part A) because they’re typing extra letters (as detailed in Part B). It’s completely counterproductive! Ridiculous, I tell you! Kids these days!
New Year’s Eve: A Story and an Attempt at Heart-Felt Advice
Dear People of Tumblr,
I was skimming through my dashboard and noticed a trend: No one seems to be too happy about New Year’s Eve.
According to my research, this is a rough breakdown of the Tumblr population’s feelings regarding the holiday:
Holy damn, that’s a lot of singleness-induced sadness.
So I’m here to give advice. It comes in the form of a story. Gather ‘round, my children.
Last year on New Year’s Eve, I went to a wild party.
And by a “wild party” I mean I watched some tv in my living room. I might’ve even made popcorn.
At a certain point, around 9 PM, I decided I’d probably had enough fun for one evening and that I should probably go to bed.
But before I went to bed I had to fulfill my responsibilities as an internet addict and check facebook just one more time. It looked like this:
Oh. Well this was just demoralizing.
But just as I was about to log off and maybe eat some chocolate, this appeared in my newsfeed:
I didn’t know him, but anyone else drinking Mountain Dew alone on New Year’s Eve qualified for friendship in my book. So I sent him a facebook chat.
Our initial conversation was riveting.
And that is how I met my boyfriend.
So here is my advice, People of Tumblr: Don’t stress about being single on New Year’s Eve. It’s a silly holiday, really.
And chances are, the greatest people you’ll meet will still be awake with you at 3 AM drinking Mountain Dew by themselves. You’ll meet each other eventually.
Liking Things. And Also Puppies And Lava.
I like a lot of things. I like puppies. I like nice hats. I like pretending the floor is lava.
These things make me happy and I don’t think I need to justify that.
I don’t feel particularly obliged to share this information with people, either.
I mean, sure, if you catch me hopping from chair to chair, frantically avoiding the ground, I might explain to you that the floor is lava. I would briefly explain that “The Floor is Lava” is a great game and then I would explain that your feet are burning.
Don’t expect an advance notice about my likes and dislikes, though. That is, simply put, an egregious waste of time that could be better spent doing the things I enjoy.
So it confuses me a bit when I log onto facebook and find my newsfeed inundated with “liked” things.
I can understand the appeal of liking a few things. Hell, I must have at least seventy liked bands on my profile. I think I also like London and Atlas Shrugged.
But I don’t like “I Automatically Start Panicing When I Cant Feel My Phone In My Pocket”. I do not like it because a) losing a phone is an uncomfortable experience, b) it’s a relatively common experience that doesn’t need to be shared via facebook, and c) I have never been reduced to “panicing”. I’ve caught myself panicking a few times, but always with a “k” on the end. Spelling is important to me in times of distress.
Nor do I like “I act c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y calm, but in my head? I’m holding a chainsaw” because I’m a pacifist. In theory.
I don’t like “Mosquitos have no point in the world” because I that is a silly, incorrect, over-generalized statement. Also I’m a vegetarian. In theory.
I suppose all I’m trying to get at is this:
Why spend your time building grocery lists of your likes and dislikes? Why not go out and enjoy something?
Why like things that apply to everyone? Everyone feels occasional nostalgia. No need to acknowledge it via seventy liked items. Just remember the past fondly. Everyone likes cozy blankets. It’s a fact of life. No need to like them via facebook to feel connected to others. Just go build a blanket fort.
Why like things that hurt people? Why like “I hate whores” or “all boys are dicks”? What do you hope to accomplish?
That’s all, really. I’m off to eat some toast.
I really like toast.
The Inconveniences of Being a Unicorn
People often ask me what it’s like to be a unicorn. Though I hate to disappoint them, I must tell these people the truth, that being a unicorn isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Indeed, being a unicorn has introduced me to an abundance of everyday frustrations. For example:
Trying on clothes is always a hassle.
Unicorns are allergic to winter.
Airplanes are seldom unicorn-friendly.
Unicorns are terrible at pillow fights.
It’s a challenging way of life. Definitely not for everyone.
